Battle Royale.

18 Jan

Google “Couples Fighting”. Ridiculous.

Isn’t it strange how important fighting is?  I’m not saying that it’s important to HAVE fights but it’s important to be compatible in fighting styles or at least navigate together through troubled waters, right?

I had a really terrible day yesterday.  I was emotional, stressed and upset.  I was feeling like nobody cares about me and that all my energy is being sucked out by work, school, life and just…total meltdown.  I’m going to take all the blame here and admit that when I came home, I just went in for the kill.  I picked the mother of all fights.

When I got home, Gentleman Caller (GC) was sleeping on the couch.  I apparently was offended that someone should be able to relax while I am in a shitty mood (temporary insanity) and I just lost it.  What I had not counted on was that he would feel stressed and awful too and be just as angry.  We seriously had a fight about fighting.

Like I said, I totally accept the blame for this fight and I brought way too much back story into it.  Honestly, I haven’t been taking care of myself lately.  I’ve been doing a lot of caring for others and not stopping to let myself recharge.  I’m not suggesting I am a self-less saint, not by any means, I’m just saying I’m no good to anyone else unless I’m good to myself first.

GC and I are very much in love and planning on getting married in 2014.  We normally have this perfectly happy and silly little family unit and are completely supportive allies.  We definitely bring different experiences with relationships into our home though.  GC comes from a divorced family, not particularly close, and is divorced himself.  I come from a ridiculously close family with parents who have been happily married best friends for almost 40 years now. 

When GC fights, he sees it as a harbinger of the end.  He has no fight or flight response because he is already busy flying…I mean, if there is trouble he has flown.  On the other hand, I fight and expect someone to hash it out with me, be a little mad, re-hash and then we move on together.  When we get into arguments, we can both end totally perplexed by what the other person is doing.

Like every argument in the known universe, ours often stem from lack of communication.  One partner will assume something doesn’t need to be said and the other definitely needs to hear what isn’t being said.  Typical stuff.  My question though, is how do you fight healthy?  How do you meet in the middle and get to that comfortable place?   

P.S. We’re totally fine and were holding hands and giggling again about 45 minutes after the rage-a-thon.  Someone (secret: it was totally me) really just needed a hug and a nap and was a total brat about it.


In which I finally get some exercise.

16 Jan


I have a secret.   I don’t hate exercise.

For the amount of couch time I log in, you’d think I hate any and all physical activity.  The reality is that I actually enjoy moving, I love the feeling a good session at the gym gives me.  Once I get started, I’m totally okay with it–but there’s the issue, right?  I have to get started.

You don’t have to look very hard to find an excuse to be lazy.  It was a long day, a long week, it’s too cold outside, you can’t afford the gym, you can’t find your sports bra and your girls are gonna give you black eyes…whatever, the excuses abound.  If I, or anyone else, are going to get healthy though, the tested and proven combination is diet and exercise.  Each one on their own can only take you so far.

Everyone advises that you work out at home or go for walks.  I have often enjoyed summer evening walks with my gentleman caller.   That was in the summer though and winter is a whole new ball game, especially when it is ridiculously cold in the pacific nw right now.  As for working out at home, I get more embarrassed in front of my partner and would rather work out in front of strangers.  Weird, I know, but it’s a hang up of mine. 

I haven’t been able to go to the (university) gym because my student ID is being mailed to me and is lost and blah blah blah.  It’s been a really ridiculous and overwhelming situation that has been driving me crazy for weeks.  I had this big plan to start working out as soon as school started (January 7) and because I didn’t have this ID, I just did nothing instead.  Now, I ask you, what kind of logic is that? Things didn’t go according to plan, so I’m going to do nothing? It appears I am a diet/exercise toddler, just all sorts of cranky when I don’t get my way.

I decided today that I would make a concrete effort to change things.  It’s day one of my BLC weight loss challenge and if ever there was a time for effort, it’s now.  One of the challenges I signed up for includes 30 minutes of exercise five days a week, and I definitely want to start off on the right foot.  I decided to go for a 30 minute walk around campus between work and school.  I figured it was the perfect area, well lit, lots of people and everyone would just think I was rushing to class.

I have to admit I felt much better after I got this little bit of a work out in.  I went to class more energized and alert than I have been in a long time.  I think it may have helped to have that very distinct break between class.  Sure, I was freezing, but that just made me walk faster.  If the worst part of my exercising was that my underwear kept falling off (I bought a bunch on sale that were too big, it has become a hilarious and awful issue), then I can most likely incorporate some regular movement in your life.

So, how do you get fit?  What’s your go to plan?  Are you a gym rat, at homer or the kind of person who likes to get outside?  Inquiring minds want to know!

A Hate Foretold.

15 Jan

So, I know this girl.  Although ours is probably not the same, I think we all know a “this girl”.  She’s the girl who made a giant change in her life and it ended with her being a bit more spectacular.

My version of this girl used to be a friend.  When we were friends, she would always complain about her weight and seemed really unhappy with it.  I encouraged her to get healthy around the time I did and she got involved with two very hyped up (one of which I completely disagree with and think is unhealthy) weight loss/exercise plans. 

Over the course of this past year, she and I had a falling out.  One day she told me she’d call me and that call never came, she kind of just phased me out of her life.  I was going through some rough times and wasn’t at a “fun” place, so I don’t really blame her for phasing me out.  Yet over the course of that year, I had a roller coaster diet experience and she did not.  She stuck with her plan and has lost a bazillion pounds.  Yes.  A BAZILLION.

Clearly, I have been facebook stalking (let’s not play) her this whole time and this hate has been sort of festering.  I should emphasize here that I try to be really supportive of my friends and really help them out, so I was a little shocked but what I first assumed was jealousy.  I was feeling this awful gut feeling about her and I thought it’s probably just a little leftover rage because she dropped me as  friend and jealousy about her weight loss, right?

I’ve been trying to wrap my mind around it but I think it might be a little deeper than that.  My actual problem with her is what she represents to me.  See, I’ve always suspected that the skinny people were having more fun than me.  They’re not wondering if the world is watching them eat their meal and judging them, or making fun of them as they barely escape death on a stair climber–carefree and easy!  Sexy relationships! Short skirts! Instantly bouncier hair!

Now I see this girl’s pictures and I feel like she’s confirmed it.  She’s in the club now and she is happy and she is healthy, she’s smiling and experimenting with new clothes.  A weight has literally been lifted off her shoulders–she’s in the club!

I am not saying that skinny people have no problems.  Of course they have problems and a million shitty things can happen to you at any size, any place or any way.  When I see her, it’s not hate or envy I feel but guilt.  She’s a clear reminder that I let myself get overweight and did nothing about it, or made half attempts to take care of myself.  

Part of my new weight loss reboot version 6.7 (patent pending) is going to be less hating on other girls.  You got skinny?  Awesome.  You got healthy?  Show me the way!  You jazzercise in your sleep?  I’m in.  I don’t want to attack and sabotage myself and pretend it’s an external issue.  I’m making another person’s story into mine, and to each their own.

So goodbye to all my “those girls”.  I just don’t need you anymore.

Another Year Another Weight Loss Post

13 Jan

Remember last year when I declared I would get fit? Well, that lasted for about 5 months and then there was some insane upheaval and somehow, I started 2013 at 20 pounds heavier than I started 2012. Clearly, that was not my goal.

Did I stress eat? you betcha. Did I let myself get lazy? yuh huh.

I’m happy to report that 2013 is a brand new year and a fresh start. Realistically, every minute can be a fresh start but for me, I declare the day of newness to have been January 07, 2013.

Although I have continued to be vegan this entire time, the end of last year definitely saw me becoming a junk food vegan. My main change so far has been to clean up my diet before I even start to integrate exercise. I am staying low in fat, avoiding sugars, avoiding processed foods and sticking to whole and natural.

I’ve been packing all my meals (long days) and although it feels like I’m carrying around a grocery bag, it’s been worth it. I’ve actually lost 7 pounds this week which is definitely a boost to my motivation.

Let me know how you’re doing! Did you lose a ton of weight this past year? Did you make resolutions? What are your honest feelings about avocados?

Product Review: Silk Fruit and Protein

21 Feb

I was able to work out for half an hour last night but today I was exhausted today and really feeling it.  Although I’m still working on maintaining my energy levels and getting back on track, i can definitely be more conscience about what I’m eating (told you the optimism would be showing up here and there)!

My current obsession is Silk Fruit and Protein.  It comes in three glorious flavors–Strawberry Banana, Mango Peach and Mixed Berry.  I have only been able to try two flavors due to a pesky banana allergy but I like what I’ve tried.  That banana allergy has been the bane of my existence, it’s the reason smoothies can never be luxurious in my world.  Everyone has a million different suggestions for what will help but it’s never the same!  See, the problem is that I know what bananas taste like.  My allergy didn’t even kick into full force until my 20’s, I had a whole life of banana glory before that!

Well, Silk Fruit and Protein has definitely come to the rescue.  I had developed a standard smoothie recipe but never quite got my ratio right.  If I used almond or soy milk, it wasn’t fruity enough or I had to add a ton of fruit.  If I used juice, I felt like it was way too sweet.  This product has really helped me balance that out.  I really like both the mixed berry and the peach mango but I’m going to have to give favorite points to the peach mango.  At a 150 calories a cup, I can make an excellent and filling smoothie in the morning.    Look for that recipe tomorrow!

The Not-So Triumphant Return

20 Feb

You may have noticed my disappearance.

I’d like to tell you that it’s because I was doing SO much exercise and SO much awesome calorie counting that I am now a size 2, yet somehow still manage to be chesty.  I want to tell you that I’ve been busy taking this hot bod out for a stroll, strutting and shimmying (only on Tuesdays) my way about college towns in the greater pacific northwest…

At the beginning of this school term (January), I was so revved up for weight loss and exercise.  I was making progress, really sticking to my plan and feeling great.  In addition, I had taken on some new responsibilities at work and was feeling really good about life.  However, as is the fashion in Oregon, the rain came in and stuck around and I hit a slump. 

What I wasn’t prepared for was the reality of what “the slump” was.  At this exact same time, I had been introduced to three new medications.  Being raised by a vaguely hippie Santa Cruz mama, I have never done well when introduced to medications.  Every potential side effect is a sure thing, and each one lingers longer than it is supposed to.  Any slight alteration in the medication (dosage, time taken) and my body flips out.

What I didn’t notice was that my body was flipping out in a new way.  First came the headaches.  Those were quickly followed by the fatigue, the aches, the mood swings and the inability to focus.  There was also a dash of tremors, shakiness and blurred vision.  In my mind all these things were  due to the weather, my needing new contacts or even just being stressed from work.  Everything but the meds.

Maybe I was being hopeful.  I mean, nobody wants to be a guinea pig for pills, right?  I’ve been trying to figure out the right balance for over ten years now and I’m just at this point where feeling like I was unmotivated to be dieting seemed better than my actually having to deal with all this again.

Anyway, I’m back and in a more realistic place now.  I have actually not gained any weight.  I’m still dieting but making sure I’m tracking all my nutrition.  I’m still feeling really tired and my doctor said the fatigue will go away soon.  I’m impatient, I suppose.  So, I’m taking things slowly and getting on track. 

I’m back.  Consider yourselves warned. 

Promises, Promises…

24 Jan

I am so sorry that I have not been able to update my blog lately!  I promise I would much rather be blogging than be doing all the other things I do.  What is it that I do?  Well, not enough to be complaining but I am usually busy every day from 5:45 AM to 8pm.  Outside of those hours I try to relax, call my parents and granny and sleep.  I promise I have four posts half written.

I am a post-bac (getting another bachelors degree) student at a University on the quarter system.  I take a course load this is slightly over the full mark, work on campus, try to make healthy meals for myself and Mr. and Li’l X, drive back and forth to Portland (about an hour and a half each way) about once a week and am trying to succeed at this weight loss thing.  I may be hitting a wall.

Never fear, dear reader.  I will throw some blog posts up as soon as possible.  I’m working on trying to schedule things so that I don’t leave a trail of post-it notes everywhere I go and stop looking like a “Cathy” comic.